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Poly Ethics

Suppose, hypothetically, that person A and person B are both poly, and in love. But person B has also been dating person C, who wants B and C to be monogamous. A and B have been a much bigger deal than B and C for a long time, but B hasn't had the heart to break up with C.

Now suppose that B decides that zie wants to just be friends with C. Would A be a terrible person if zir reaction were to dance a little jig, do cartwheels, and generally be bouncy and ecstatic?

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( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
mhw
Nov. 11th, 2002 12:04 am (UTC)
Would A be a terrible person if zir reaction were to dance a little jig, do cartwheels, and generally be bouncy and ecstatic?

Depends, IMO, on A's motivation.
rubylou
Nov. 11th, 2002 12:28 am (UTC)
In some situations, no, A would not be terrible---just honest. Was C attempting to put the kibosh on A & B's relationship? It sounds like "yes" if monogamy was being asked for. Did A ever attempt to screw up the relationship between B & C? Note: I'm really speaking too much from a particular situation, so I'm not being as unbiased as I could be. One of my "rules" for staying with somebody is that they respect my other relationships, or at least don't try to end them for their own selfish reasons.

Heck, I was in a weird, toxic marriage, and neither Jane nor Sean attempted to force its end. They simply told me their concerns, and supported me in the process of figuring out whether or not my relationship with Alex was going to work. Of course, if it had caused a strain on THEIR relationship, I would have understood a decision to bail, or at least pull away a bit.
(Deleted comment)
moominmuppet
Nov. 11th, 2002 08:54 am (UTC)
Nope. There's a difference between trying to end someone else's relationship and being relieved when it's over. Being relieved when life-stress decreases is just human, imo.
saoba
Nov. 11th, 2002 09:21 am (UTC)
Doing said little jig *in front of C* would be Tacky. (Adding things like Hooyah! and In your FACE! are likewise right out.)

But you knew that.

However, since C did prefer monogamy, getting in a relationship with B who is poly and in a relationship with A was , shall we say, karmically neutral at best.

I've been in the position of having someone who wished me out of the picture involved in a partner's life. It sucked. It sucked a LOT and I took me out for a little celebratory drinkie and dish session when it ended. I refrained from jumping up and down and clapping my hands with girlish glee (where anyone could see me) only because my Southern childhood came to the fore.

Barbara
krasota
Nov. 11th, 2002 10:26 am (UTC)
wow. saoba answered this far more eloquently than i could have. so i shall just say "ditto".

hah. as if i could "just say" anything.

i do think that dancing in your own space, away from b and c, and saying "hoo-yah!" all you want is perfectly acceptable.


;)

futabachan
Nov. 11th, 2002 11:21 am (UTC)
However, since C did prefer monogamy, getting in a relationship with B who is poly and in a relationship with A was , shall we say, karmically neutral at best.

B and C had been An Item before A and B ever met. Shortly after A and B met, B and C broke up. But a few months later, B went through a very traumatic experience, and A was living hundreds of miles away. Since A wasn't there, B turned to C for comfort, and that drew them back together again. B has openly stated that zie considers that to have been a mistake, but has waffled until recently about whether to stay in the relationship. Memories of B and C's former intensity before A came into the picture had been keeping them together, despite their recent total lack of chemistry.

Anyway, that's an extremely roundabout way of pointing out that it wasn't so much a matter of C knowingly walking into the situation knowing about A and B. Unless you count B and C getting back together when A was in the picture, that is. Hmm.
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )